Voice Operator

Alabama

Jack was on the cusp of flicking the kill switch. The future seemed predictable and the present bleak. It suddenly made sense why people fall asleep re-watching an old movie. They say, "Sleep is the cousin of death," and he was one nap away from seeing the forbidden biological relationship in its full glory.

Honorable Mention

A wife who has heard everything her husband has to say is primed to sleep with his cousin even if she is not physically drawn to the relative. Some say boredom kills, and in some cultures, it really does: it is called honor killing. Crazy world we live in, huh? One man's killing in the name of cleaning the bed sheets is another man's blanket term for barbarism.

Played by the System

Suicidal thoughts are sneaky. They creep up on you like credit card debt. One second, you are spending to earn "miles" and "cashback" on what you think you could pay off by the end of the statement. On the other, you are paying the absolute minimum for the highest possible interest on the towering balance.

Press One

Jack called the suicide hotline. The call started. It was with an automated voice operator. It went, "Press one for Engrish." He laughed hysterically and realized that it is shit like this you hold on for dear life for. He promised to press two for Chinese the next time he finds himself shopping for afterlife speedos.

If you're feeling suicidal or unsafe with your thoughts, please call your local suicide-prevention hotline right now.